There is no rescue

do you ever get to the place where you think that there is nothing left?  you have nothing else to give?  i feel that way often.
parenting 4 children is hard work.. and several of them have challenging issues beyond just kid stuff.  add to that the grief of their parents being apart, and you have the perfect storm for chaos, pain, frustration and struggle.

i adore my children.. but the reality is that it can be easy for me to look outside of our family into the surface level of other families and begin to think that we are missing out.  it's like looking through a window screen on a sunny day- you can see inside, but you can't make out the details... so i see in others what appears to be fun, functional, normal families, and then i look at my family through the macro lens of our lives and begin to think that we're all doomed, and i'm failing.

i know i'm just getting back into blogging again, and all of this has been heavy, and i promise- i don't always sit here- in fact, i am a perpetual pollyanna which is probably part of the reason i've been able to stay standing over the last year+ instead of rocking back and forth on my bed.

my kids are difficult.  we have patterns and behaviors in place that aren't so great.  we have codependencies and unhealthy leaning on one another that i know isn't the best for us.  but we've been through hell.  we've moved twice in the last year.  we gave away our family dog. the man in our house is gone.  we moved from a 4 bedroom 2000+ sq ft home to an 800 sq ft home with only 2 bedrooms.  then- we moved again. living with friends so gracious to us that they are sharing their home with love and grace.  the kids have changed schools.  we've changed churches.  we don't have much income. we got chickens this summer and the neighbor dog thought them tasty treats.  we've struggled.  we've ached. we've yelled, and cursed, and screamed and cried, and rolled around on the floor. and some nights i thought we might not make it.
grief is tiring.  it takes best intentions and wads them up into a wrinkly ball of trash and drops them on the floor. the desire i had yesterday to implement family chores can be decimated today by the sheer weight of the kids emotional neediness.  i'm tired. lonely.  hurting and frustrated.

it hit me a few weeks back that ... there is no rescue.  there is no sound of the cavalry in the distance racing to save me from the stress and struggle.  there are no winning lottery tickets being dropped at my door, no maid to clean the mess and no supernanny here to help me start the boot camp for better  behavior.  it's me. just me.  i don't mean to say that no one helps- that's not true.  we have people who love us and serve us.. but at the end of the day... i am parenting alone.  and that is an overwhelming reality.

i vacillate between believing that we will not only be ok, but be stronger as i lead us all through murky, rapid waters... and then thinking we will all surely drown in the deep with no chance of survival.  it is a bipolar existence precariously balanced between utter fear and soaring hope... and i am learning to breathe as i row the boat and work to keep it from capsizing.

the last couple of days have been really challenging.  we have highs and lows- like anyone i guess.  it feels more intensified in the ever present blanket of grief and pain, but i have hope that we will come through it.

stay with me. i promise i can be funny and witty.  but i'm also honest.  and this evening... this is where my heart is perching.