Here

i have been stuck. i'm tired of being stuck.  i still write.  often.  because that is what writers do. we write.  we have to. we can't not.
but i don't write here.  and i've been so frustrated with myself for not showing up here, because here is where i get to connect with you, and here is where i want to be.
it hit me tonight.
i haven't been here, because i'm not being authentic.  i have been writing on paper where it is safe, and where nothing has to be shared or explained, i can just be heather. broken. motivated. shattered. hopeful. but here?  i have to pretend. protect. evade. and i just don't have the energy for that anymore.

so.

i'm taking care of business today. i'm punching fear in the face so that i can drag my weary soul out of stuck and bring it here. where i can share. be heather. broken. motivated. shattered. hopeful.

i have a secret.
i didn't mean for it to be a secret.  it sort of became one because life is messy and painful and jagged, and slippery, and when do you ever think that you will wind up here? and when you wind up here, how do you tell people you are here?  so.  here is my secret.

i have been separated from my husband for more than a year.

i said it.
it's out now.  i'm not taking it back.

how do you share that?  there are no announcements from shutterfly to say that 'we're separated!' there are no delicate and non dramatic ways to post it on facebook.  and so... those who are in my regular life know, some on the fringes know, and some will be shocked.  but this is my reality.  i am a single mother, this year has been hell on earth, and i don't see any sign of relief.
i have struggled with writing here, and have allowed the cotton mouthed feeling of fear to stop my waterfall of words with its soul sucking power.  i have been afraid to wound my children should they ever read my writing in the future.  i'm afraid for people to pity me. i'm afraid to hurt him, even though so many hurtful things have been done to us.  i'm a dramatic person, but i don't like drama.  i won't go on facebook and share the hurts of my heart at his hand because it does nothing but make me look small and create drama.  i have to admit that there is a small part of me that would like to tell you some of what has happened, to hopefully 'get you on my side' and hope that maybe you will judge me a bit less, and maybe feel more gracious towards me- but really? that shouldn't matter.  i should be able to show up and say that i am not with my husband, i have been deeply wounded, i am afraid, i am parenting 4 children alone, this is really hard...... and find space for my heart to rest.  even without all of the painful, ugly, rancid details.

so.  my secret is exposed.  i feel freedom to write again.  because now you can relate to me where i am.. and i won't have to bend and maneuver my words to protect the secret any longer.  it can float free and my words can swim effortlessly around the truth.  bringing relief to my heart.  clarity to my mind. and maybe even some healing to you.
i am overjoyed at the thought of being here again and writing from my raw heart.  i have so very much to share.  hard things.  amazing things you can't even fathom.  things of God's goodness that seem only to show up when the depth of the pit is so deep that only the hand of God can pull you out.  thank you for indulging me.  thank you for staying in my silence.  even over years.  this blog that has long sat dead, waiting for me to take back life again will change and grow over the next weeks and months.  for now- this is the start.
i'm back. here.