so thankful

i just got home from picking up food from the kids school.  the counselor's office sent home paperwork a few weeks back asking if we needed help for the holidays.  i didn't opt into the gift of food for thanksgiving because we didn't really need it.  i knew i'd be with my family this past weekend and the kids will be with their dad and his family on thursday.  i didn't want to take from others who may need it more than we do.  i did opt into the christmas help and am overwhelmed that the school will provide a gift for my children.  it's hard sitting here.  honestly?  it's a giant affront to my pride. it's hard to be in need, and i struggle with where the line is.  we have food in the fridge.  i have a place to live right now.  i am lower than i've ever been, but we're not hungry- so... when is it ok to say 'yes, in fact, we could use some help?' i'm trying to use wisdom and honesty and allow God to fill in the cracks.
there had been a clerical error and a box had been prepared for my family. i got the call today to come and get it, and they were gracious and kind and i didn't feel overly embarrassed.

why is it hard for us to accept help?  why is it hard for ME to accept help?  a friend emailed recently to ask if she could send a little money to help with christmas.  my pride wanted to say 'oh, thank you so much, but we don't need it.  we are just fine without any help'.  but my mother's heart that wants to be able to give to my children on christmas humbly said 'yes, and thank you ever so much for thinking of us'.  we did do operation shoebox this year, one box for a girl, and one for a boy.  i want so badly to be able to give, to help, to not be a drain on others... and that was one way i felt that as a family we could make christmastime about something other than what we might receive.  it was fun, and my kids enjoyed packing the boxes for children who will get nothing more than what we picked out for them.
but the reality is that we are in a hard season.  it's hard for me to admit that a year later we are still in a hard season. it's hard to admit that i can't really do it all alone, and that the help that is given is such a relief and so impactful in our everyday lives. it's hard to go to the school in my north face jacket (that i bought 2 years ago for 30 dollars from a friend) and wonder if there is judgement on their side.  it's hard to answer my kids as to why we live in a basement when we used to live in a big home. the whole thing is just so damn hard.

but there are places where i am given the chance to let my head bob above the waves to draw in a deep, gulping gasp of air.  places where my heart is given the chance to be still and loved and acknowledged.  i wish those moments came more often than they do, but they come, and the sustaining power of that survival instinct gasp allows me to press into the next day, and the next.  today i am choosing to be thankful for the food we were given.  i vow to give again when and where i can, knowing that when people are hurting, each small act of love and grace and kindness carries much more weight than just a can of soup, or box of pasta... those acts of love and grace remind us, remind me, that i am not alone. that i am not forgotten.  that God and others remember that i am struggling and they care enough to ask if they can help.  i'm thankful for that help.  and maybe a deep gash into my pride is just what i need in order to grow into the woman i want to be.