I've been blessed to go on many of my kids' field trips through the years and enjoy getting to spend time with the other kids as well as my own child outside of the classroom setting.
My experience with this field trip was more than just a good time… it had intense moments, and places of ragged humanity that left me more than a bit weary and deflated.
When I got to the classroom, Ivy ran to me and pulled me into her group of girlfriends. I knelt into the gaggle of long braids, sparkly sweatshirts, and pink nail polish. The girls swarmed me and began touching my hair, earrings, and necklace. They ooohed and ahhhed at my jewelry and exclaimed several times that I was just 'so pretty'. Ivy was beaming from ear to ear, and proudly stood beside me with her tiny hand tucked inside of mine, as they fawned over me. At first it was sweet, flattering, and cute to hear their little voices get excited about makeup and cheap jewelry from the sales rack at kohl's. But as they continued, I began to get uncomfortable. The truth was, I wasn't all that jazzed up that day. I had on jeans and boots, and a simple sweater. My hair and makeup were my daily style and my jewelry was simple and easy. I always dress this way. I love being a woman, and I love to look my best. My style is basic, and simple- not at all flashy or glittery- but I wear makeup and jewelry daily- it's what I do. I couldn't help but wonder if some of the women in their lives weren't making time for themselves… to spend the few extra moments on themselves on an average morning to brush a bit of blush on a cheek, or spike eyelashes with a dash of mascara. We often put ourselves last. And our daughters are watching.
Women don't have to wear makeup or curl their hair to be beautiful, or feminine; but I am watching my daughter watch me take care of myself, and begin to incorporate some of those things into her normal daily routine.
I saw the opportunity for a little life lesson and dove in- as they told me how pretty I was, I was able to look into their eyes and affirm their beauty. I thanked them for commenting on my earrings, but swung the conversation back to the importance of being beautiful from the inside out. Loving our friends well, treating people with kindness and grace. I have no idea if they heard me, but I was determined to be another voice in the hum of voices vying for their attention.
I got my assignment of kids in my group and gathered them to me like ducklings. Their excitement for our adventure was contagious and we giggled and talked and girls paired off for bus buddies. We climbed the steps of the bus and settled into the rigid backed seats with excitement. One of my group girls leaned across the aisle to get my attention and her words pierced my heart. Without blinking, without apology; in the innocent honesty that children have before the world darkens and softens the edge, she said 'kids in my class call me fat'.
I blinked and swallowed. She wasn't really asking for a response. She wasn't looking to shock me, or gain pity. She was simply sharing information that was sitting at the top of her heart that was too heavy to carry, and so she laid it down for me.
I looked back into her eyes and said "I'm so sorry that that has happened to you sweet girl". She looked down, and fidgeted under my concern- "It's ok" she was quick to dismiss me. "Everyone says it"
She sat back in her seat and looked off through her window.
My heart was heavy as we bounced along on our way to the theater. I knew she carried a heavy burden, and there wasn't much I could do to lighten it.
We got to the theater and she found a spot at our table to spread out her lunch and share her food and her story with me. Through the next hour her interaction with me was peppered with hurt she had suffered at the words of kids in her class about her weight. But each time she spoke, she would give a reason as to why they had said the hurtful things; quick to dismiss the hurt and offer excuses as to why they were mean to her. She mentioned that one boy on her bus had told everyone she had kissed him "but it's not true" she insisted with tears brimming her eyes. She quieted for a moment and then started again… "But it's ok now. We're friends again". I was dumbfounded. "How are you friends again? Did he ask you to forgive him for lying about you?" She looked confused at my question. I pressed on: "Did you ask him why he said those things about you? Did he ask you to forgive him? He lied about you sweet girl. A friend would apologize. " She sat silent for a moment and then quietly said.. "Well, everyone forgot about it, so we're friends again."
Some time passed with silly girl talk, nibbling on home-packed lunches, and discussions about the upcoming play. At one point, Ivy became upset with me and was crying and pouting. My little friend "Jenny" slipped her bracelet off of her wrist and held it out to the despondent Ivy. "Here Ivy" she pleaded. "You can have my bracelet. Just please don't cry. Please don't be upset"
Ivy looked up and her eyes lit with excitement over the new trinket. I put my hand on the bracelet and looked into the other girls eyes. "No. You're not giving this to Ivy. You don't have to give things to people to make them like you Jenny. Being who you are; being a friend is enough. YOU are enough." She cocked her head to the side to bring in the information that wasn't quite computing and slipped the bracelet back onto her wrist. I looked at Ivy and said "If that happens again, you need to tell her thank you for offering, but no thank you. Your love is enough for me."
I was blown away.
I watched the habits of this 6 year old girl. One who had been pegged the 'fat girl'. One who thought the only way to get and keep friends was to allow herself to be consumed. I was sickened. We had several conversations about her beauty- the inside and the outside kind. I have no idea if the words I spoke to her took root or not, but I couldn't stay silent. To see her pain, and to see her quickly work to make the way smooth for those around her, at the expense of herself was painful for me. I think of her often and I'm sure I will carry her heart with me through the next years and am honored to be able to cover her in prayer. We women have a reponsibility to young girls coming up in this world. We have to speak. They hear so many voices, and we have to join in to try and overpower the lies they are fed daily. Take the opportunity when it comes, and don't be afraid to speak raw truth. Truth that is infused with love is powerful, and my prayer is that all I said will swim around inside of her for decades; attaching itself to other good counsel, and that she will begin to hear and trust truth over deception. We belong to each other. And that means speaking light into darkness.
