As I pressed through the painful places, I began to rise into new areas of brokenness in me that needed attention. I had lived inside of an unhealthy marriage for fourteen years, and somewhere in that relationship I laid down who I was and walked away from her. I worked hard, in the sick, codependent way that we sometimes do, to ensure everyone around me was ok. I scanned faces and body language, held my breath to listen for subtle vocal nuances, and then would adjust myself accordingly so those around me would be ok. I was dying for everyone around me to be ok. But I have realized that I was never ok.
The earlier years of raising my children were filled with chaos and fear. My oldest son was aggressive and unpredictable and I lived in a precarious place of fight or flight for multiple years. I was hyper aware of his moods, and worked hard to try and make him ok. As more years passed, and more children joined our brood; resentment, irritability, and frustration became my go-to emotions, and as guilty as I felt living in that skin, there was nothing lasting I could do to soften those edges and give me the deep exhale that my entire being was screaming for. I was suffocating under the dirt that had been piled on top of my heart in a powerful effort to snuff out the light I had been given to share.
This year, as I've moved past the hurt of losing my marriage, and walked away from that initial wounding, I've headed into the deep work of finding my voice, looking for who I am, who I want to be, and learning to love her.
I am rediscovering things I enjoy, and finding that I can be a lot of fun. I have intense emotions both high and low and feel everything deeply. I like to laugh, and be silly, but I enjoy nothing more than deep conversations that fly down low into depths of struggle and flit back high into laughter together. My friends and family have been heroes in my personal revolution as I scrape harshly with my words and moods while I learn to uncover the authentic self. I am learning how to say no to people, how to stand up for my opinions at the risk of rejection by others but incredible peace with myself. I'm finding out how to look people in the eyes and tell them I disagree while lacing it with all of the love and grace I can muster. I am discovering that my voice matters, and that the things I feel and love to do are worthy simply because they live inside of the woman I have been created to be. I am embracing my oddities and finding joy in activities that others might find worthless. I sing and dance around my kitchen, make silly jokes with my kids and have relearned that I am not quiet or calm. The energy and passion I worked so hard to cover up for so many years is spilling out into my life again and I'm finding the light in my children's faces as they see my heart thawing and shining.
I have made mistakes and thrown heavy burdens on friends and family as I learn boundaries and relational honesty, but when I see the scrapes I've caused, I go back to acknowledge them. I am so very flawed and yet so very beautifully made, and even in those places I hope to grow and change, I am finding I enjoy my own company. I never dreamed I would be one of the statistical women who would lose herself inside of a relationship, but I did. I consider it an incredible gift to get the chance to learn who I am and to get to learn to love myself away from the toxic confines of that place. I'm finally growing up and into who I was made to be, and learning that I have a path created just for me and all I can give.
