forward crawl

i think i've mentioned before that i have children with special needs.

i have three sons and one daughter, and my sons are all somewhere on the autism spectrum.
while there is a lot of information out there about autism, i've found that many people aren't quite sure what it means, and telling people that we have autism in our family often brings silence, or pity.
the autism spectrum is wide and filled with people with all kinds of struggle and abilities. i'm thankful that all three of my boys are fairly high functioning, and while they each have different struggles and difficulties, they also all have special abilities and strengths too.

managing their care and schooling and meds and doctor appointments and behavior and emotional fallout is.... hard. but while i recognize that it's hard... it's also normal for me.  samuel started with struggles by the time he was two years old, and so for almost all of my parenting journey, i have known extra hardship.  but some days, i just feel.... more overwhelmed than usual.  today i got a phone call from asher's pediatrician denying one of the medication refills i was requesting.  they told me they don't prescribe it.... which is fine... except that i can't get in to see the developmental pediatrician for a couple of months, and so he just goes off of this medication cold turkey?  it's so hard to try and juggle all of the kids needs and ensure that nothing falls through the cracks.  i had no idea they wouldn't prescribe this particular medication and that he needed a specialist (we've moved from military insurance to civilian in the last 7 months and i'm still learning the ropes)
all i could do was cry. there are so many places in the lives of my kids that i just can't fix. i can't make it better. and i get tired, and weary.

as a mother, the deep, throbbing, driving force is to protect my kids and take care of their needs. to help prevent pain when possible, and teach them life lessons.  in the wake of all we've experienced, and in the intensified struggle that comes with the autism diagnosis... i am brokenhearted to know that i cannot protect them from everything. i can't fix it all, and things happen that are beyond my control.
i know, intellectually, that this is a normal part of motherhood, but that nagging little monster that hangs out in dark alleys, or crouches at the foot of my bed swells up with phone calls like those and tells me how disastrous this is. how we will never be normal, they will never be well adjusted, and life will always be a giant struggle against pain and grief. that mama guilt monster that plagues so many of us feeds on situations like this and gleefully hands me the guilt whip to start whaling away at myself.  sadly, i all too often reach out to take that whip and sit in the self inflicted punishment for things that are far beyond my control.

i did sit in that space for a bit. i cried, and worried, and scanned the mental horizon to try and create a solution- but the reality is... i can't fix it.  this is yet another place where i have to just do the best i can and worry less about fixing it and more about just trying to stitch things back together to the best of my ability.  so, this evening, i'm throwing the whip back at the creepy, disgusting mama-guilt monster and telling it to get behind me.  i know that there are so many places where i could be doing more.. and yet... i'm here.  doing it. every single day. mothering these children while my own heart sags under the weight of grief and their hearts hang ripped and torn.  i am slowly moving towards wholeness... some days the progress feels nonexistent, but as i look behind us i am able to see that we are indeed moving up the mountain.