happy new year's!!!

i have a rough history with new year's.  in years past, i have dreaded the arrival of a new year and have struggled to flip the calendar and stare down the barrel of a fresh year that begged for living.

i am usually a die hard optimist.  i can look at most situations and see the slice of silver lining- however thin it may be- and readjust my attitude to reflect that hope and expectation.  but for some reason, the tiny realist who dwells deep within would always run to the forefront and demand attention each year as the calendar crept towards january 1st.

due to the basic fact that i am human... i am aware that i will face loss.  the thing we humans try the hardest to avoid in life is pain and loss... and so each year as i raced towards that fresh slate... i would wonder what the following january 1st would look like... and who might be missing from my life.
i would become paralyzed with fear and anxiety and scan the lives of my loved ones and try to rate the risk of loss in each of their lives.  i realize that loss will come... someone will pass from this life and i will be left behind... and i can't begin to formulate how to prepare for that.

but this year? i know loss.  while i've not buried someone in the soft, wet earth, i have seen the death of my marriage.  a death i thought would never come to pass... and one that has rocked my entire world. i have also stood by my best friend as she laid her mother to rest.  she was in her early 60s and no one was prepared to say goodbye to her this soon.  i have lost much of my physical 'stuff'... from furniture, to housing, to clothing and even weight... and have held my children as they cried for the 'normal' life they thought they were promised just by being young and innocent.  i know the heaviness of loss, and i know the ache of grief.  and through it all? i am still alive.  i can see the goodness of God in the middle of the loss... i can feel the heaviness of authentic community and gracious family.  i have embraced a few friends as life long blood now, and i have said goodbye to others who couldn't handle the heat of my dramatic pain.  i know loss and i know grief... .and what's more... i know that i can live through it. i now know that i have strength that doesn't break... it bends and wrinkles in the struggle, but it isn't brittle and fragile.  i see myself as a strong rope... flexible and strong. able to hold and support more weight than should be physically possible. i have faith in me.  but... it's because i have faith in Him.

so this year, i am eager for the new year.  the fresh slate that used to overwhelm me with negative possibilities now stretches before me with endless possibilities.  the freedom and grace and love and peace that i long for could lie nestled within the months to come. i hope to see more healing, strength, intimacy and provision as i tear month after month from the wall calendar. i pray that as those pages are folded up to be preserved as family history, that there will be entries encompassing dinners with friends, work that will feed my children, events that celebrate events with people i love, and even some adventure. i'm excited for what can happen over the next 12 months.  this year still might hold loss and grief for me... but i now know that i can survive... and that is the gift i take from 2013.  happy new year's dear ones.  may this year bring growth... peace.... love that is authentic and deep... and joy that defies explanation.  (and a bit of adventure as well!)  i can't wait to meet you back here in a year and compare notes.  i'm thinking we'll all have a lot to share and we won't believe where we'll be sitting.  cheers!!!