This Little Light of Mine, I'm Gonna Let it Shine

In the two-plus years since my ex-husband left, I have been through a myriad of lessons, layers of healing, moments of panic and, seasons of hopelessness.  I have felt most every emotion I can think of and some I have no descriptive words for.  I've screamed and cursed at God, and wept into my pillow at the overwhelming realization that my dream had crumbled.
As I pressed through the painful places, I began to rise into new areas of brokenness in me that needed attention.  I had lived inside of an unhealthy marriage for fourteen years, and somewhere in that relationship I laid down who I was and walked away from her.  I worked hard, in the sick, codependent way that we sometimes do, to ensure everyone around me was ok.  I scanned faces and body language, held my breath to listen for subtle vocal nuances, and then would adjust myself accordingly so those around me would be ok. I was dying for everyone around me to be ok. But I have realized that I was never ok.

The earlier years of raising my children were filled with chaos and fear.  My oldest son was aggressive and unpredictable and I lived in a precarious place of fight or flight for multiple years.  I was hyper aware of his moods, and worked hard to try and make him ok.  As more years passed, and more children joined our brood; resentment, irritability, and frustration became my go-to emotions, and as guilty as I felt living in that skin, there was nothing lasting I could do to soften those edges and give me the deep exhale that my entire being was screaming for.  I was suffocating under the dirt that had been piled on top of my heart in a powerful effort to snuff out the light I had been given to share.

This year, as I've moved past the hurt of losing my marriage, and walked away from that initial wounding, I've headed into the deep work of finding my voice, looking for who I am, who I want to be, and learning to love her.

I am rediscovering things I enjoy, and finding that I can be a lot of fun. I have intense emotions both high and low and feel everything deeply.  I like to laugh, and be silly, but I enjoy nothing more than deep conversations that fly down low into depths of struggle and flit back high into laughter together.  My friends and family have been heroes in my personal revolution as I scrape harshly with my words and moods while I learn to uncover the authentic self.   I am learning how to say no to people, how to stand up for my opinions at the risk of rejection by others but incredible peace with myself.  I'm finding out how to look people in the eyes and tell them I disagree while lacing it with all of the love and grace I can muster.  I am discovering that my voice matters, and that the things I feel and love to do are worthy simply because they live inside of the woman I have been created to be.  I am embracing my oddities and finding joy in activities that others might find worthless.  I sing and dance around my kitchen, make silly jokes with my kids and have relearned that I am not quiet or calm.  The energy and passion I worked so hard to cover up for so many years is spilling out into my life again and I'm finding the light in my children's faces as they see my heart thawing and shining.
I have made mistakes and thrown heavy burdens on friends and family as I learn boundaries and relational honesty, but when I see the scrapes I've caused, I go back to acknowledge them.  I am so very flawed and yet so very beautifully made, and even in those places I hope to grow and change, I am finding I enjoy my own company.  I never dreamed I would be one of the statistical women who would lose herself inside of a relationship, but I did.  I consider it an incredible gift to get the chance to learn who I am and to get to learn to love myself away from the toxic confines of that place.  I'm finally growing up and into who I was made to be, and learning that I have a path created just for me and all I can give.

more than you ever wanted to know.. about ME!

i thought i'd share a little about me!
i don't know about you- but usually when i go to a blog, or when i'm reading a book, i like to scour the 'about me' section.  i like it when there are photos, and i love it when there is more than just a list of "mother, wife, writer, loves coffee'.  i like it when writers add something in the description that tells me a little more about who they are- what they enjoy doing- more than just drinking coffee and reading books.  i already assume that- we're writers.  what would life
 be without the black inkiness of coffee and the sustenance of other people's words?!

like anyone i suppose, there are many layers to me- but i'd love to share just a bit with you.
the obvious is that i'm a mother.  i have four children - my oldest, a son, is 11.  the next in line is also a son and he's almost 8.  third comes the last son, and he is 6.  my baby is a daughter and she is closing in on 5. i've moved out of baby land and into full-on kid world, and parenting life is simultaneously wonderful and the most difficult thing i ever do.  right now, i'm a single mother.  biggest shock of my life.  i've been married for 13 years, still am married, but in october of last year, a day changed my life forever.  due to a series of challenging events, my husband expunged information he had been hiding for our entire relationship.  news that i never dreamed was sitting below the surface.  news that continued to trickle out over the next almost 5 months as i withstood wave after wave of pain and grief.  we aren't living together.  i don't know what the future holds.  many things are unknown right now, but i am here, doing the work, being present.  learning to function in a role i never wanted or expected i'd be filling.  but i'm proud of myself.

my sons seem to have some struggles.  my oldest is diagnosed with asperger's syndrome (on the autism spectrum) as well as adhd.  my middle son looks like he is probably on the spectrum as well- we see a specialist next week- and my youngest son is absolutely adhd.  my daughter?  she's  just sassy and hyper.  i used to be judgemental about families with multiple children struggling with mental/behavioral/emotional difficulties.  i made assumptions about the parents that sting me now.  the reality is, nothing i've done has caused this.  and nothing i do can 'fix' it. my sons are amazing people, and they are also complicated, and challenging.  some days are pure chaos from the overwhelming sensory needs, social misunderstandings, and brain struggles.  i'll talk more on this as time goes by.

my husband was a marine- so for my entire marriage, i was a military wife.  i have friends scattered all over the world, and miss the marine corps with all of my heart.  it's a special family, and after 13 years, i'm sad that we're no longer a part of it. 

by myer's briggs standards, i'm an enfp.  look it up if you don't know what that means- it's good stuff.  basically that means that i think too much, i am sometimes loud, emotional, hyper, not so organized, creative, fun, moody... to list a few. 

i'm 35- and not afraid to admit that.  while it's going entirely too fast, i'm not embarrassed of my age, and not overly afraid of aging.  i'm proud of who i'm becoming- and that has taken time.  prayerfully in 10 more years, i'll be that much further along in my capability to love, and serve, and grow. 

while i'm not big on astrology, i am a gemini- the twins- meaning i have a 'double personality'- and, i have to admit- it fits.  i simultaneously love anne of green gables, and band of brothers.  i love healthy, green, organic food- and junk food too.  i like to read deep, educational books, and adore lots of reality tv. maybe all of that balances me out.  yeah, let's go with that.

i'm honest. i say things that sometimes make people squirm.  i ask hard questions. i love fiercely, have a quick temper (which makes me sad), and am learning how to really cry.  i like makeup and dresses, but love to hike and get dirty.  i can be flaky, but there's nothing i love more than a conversation that dives into the deep- emotionally, theologically, and topically.  i like to be with people, but i also love alone time. 

that's enough for now.  if you stay, you'll learn more.  my heart will begin to fill up the screen again.  i used to blog.  daily.  for about 4 years.  i loved interacting with my readers, and hope that i can build some of that again.  i aim to speak about hard things- my separation, God, parenting, mental illness, but i also hope to share silly things too. write to me- tell me who you are.  i love to meet new people.
much love my fellow storm dwellers!
-H