I have been in personal/private writing mode recently. I'm in a place of healing and growing and while I want to share some of that, in some ways, I feel very tender and tucked away and am working hard to cultivate quiet and rest into my life.
Not everything needs to be shared all at once.
I spent the weekend with a sweet friend visiting us. I've been friends with her since high school and the years have seen us through many of life's mountains and valleys. I hadn't seen her since before my husband left and we had lots of ground to cover. But the beauty is that within moments, our hearts were connecting again at that level of love and tenderness that we've always had. Time hadn't stopped our connection, only suspended it for a time. It was so incredible to have her here, to hear where she is headed, to see her love my children.
I have been blessed with a multitude of good women in my life. Women are incredible creatures with the power to bring life to relationships and situations and I have managed to stay away from women who are rolling around in drama or strife. The struggle comes because I am saturated with children as a single mother, and yet also have many women in my life whom I truly love but don't always have the time or the energy to connect with on a regular basis. I have several women I can think of at this moment whom I would consider close intimate friends, several more who I don't communicate with often but who I feel safe with, and loved, and accepted and celebrated for who I am, several more who I delight in, but rarely get to connect with anymore and even more who I cross paths with rarely but bring smiles to my heart. I've always had women in my life. From an early age I saw the power and necessity for safe people to spend time with. I have always had at least one precious girl who would bear the weight of both my pain and my joy and have been overwhelmed at the many beautiful and wise women who have come into my life. Some for a season, others for a few moments, still others for a lifetime.
I truly love being in the presence of healthy women. To watch as they delight in the stories each has to share, to see their faces light up with the announcement of love or new life, to watch the precious tender moments when another woman moves in softly to pull her friend close and help shoulder the grief both physically and emotionally. I can't fathom how I could walk through this life without safe and wise women. Women who not only tolerate my quirks and silliness, but celebrate it. Women who affirm me, who share themselves, who revel in my joys and quietly help withstand the weight of my grief. Women who don't despise my other friendships yet honor them as fellow warriors of this life whom I get the privilege of being connected to.
I know some of you reading this post will be annoyed; there will be words here that pull at your heart and frustrate you as you look around and see that your healthy tribe has not yet been assembled. I longed for decades for older women to be part of my group. While I have a couple of dear friends who are a bit older than me, I never got the mentor I so desired. There were times I felt rejected, or frustrated, and I even had moments of jealousy as I saw others my age who were paired up with mentors who drew them in and were involved in their lives. But that part of my tribe is being settled into place now and I can see that timing has been everything. These women will be lifelong tribe members and had those spots been taken earlier by someone who wasn't the best for me- I may have missed them. (EDITED to add- If you've been wounded by women, please, don't use that as a shield to hide behind. I've been wounded too. There are hurting women out there who wield words like arrows, and use behavior to cut and control and injure. Please, hear me when I tell you that not all of us are like this. While each of us has the potential to hurt you without intention, if you find your group who is honest and loving, the wounding can be overcome, healed, forgotten. Don't hold on to the hurt you have experienced at the hands of other women and use it as the measuring tape by which you judge new potential tribe members. Love and friendship is always a risk, but if you are careful and wise, the payoff can be incredible.)
I think dear friends (more than one if you're blessed) are an integral part to this process of being a woman on earth. We have ways of communicating and affirming and encouraging each other that can't be found in a man. When we can get past our own insecurities and inadequacies and begin to celebrate the success and joys of other women, the light that floods into our lives is healing, sustaining, and nourishing. If you don't have this yet, don't become bitter, or rejected or disheartened. Look at those around you to see if there are already safe women there who you could reach out to- or if you need to find someone new. I would encourage you to even pray about it- ask for a friend who gets you- who will pull themselves into your tribe. Realize that you possess gifts and talents and strengths that someone needs and they have gifts to share with you. Know that friendship is both joy and work. Intimacy is born through struggle and honesty and time. Having fun is amazing, but space for hearts to sit and stories to be shared is where you will begin to weave the threads of love between you that will sustain life's troubles.
Friendship with women is vital. Don't keep who you were designed to be from your tribe who needs you. Be wise in your choices... put women around you who will bring life to you and not drama and strife. Know that these kinds of women do exist and look for them. Be the friend you long to have, and watch as places of depth and beauty and grace and love begin to surround you in a great creative showing of the best God has to offer in women.
