There is no rescue

do you ever get to the place where you think that there is nothing left?  you have nothing else to give?  i feel that way often.
parenting 4 children is hard work.. and several of them have challenging issues beyond just kid stuff.  add to that the grief of their parents being apart, and you have the perfect storm for chaos, pain, frustration and struggle.

i adore my children.. but the reality is that it can be easy for me to look outside of our family into the surface level of other families and begin to think that we are missing out.  it's like looking through a window screen on a sunny day- you can see inside, but you can't make out the details... so i see in others what appears to be fun, functional, normal families, and then i look at my family through the macro lens of our lives and begin to think that we're all doomed, and i'm failing.

i know i'm just getting back into blogging again, and all of this has been heavy, and i promise- i don't always sit here- in fact, i am a perpetual pollyanna which is probably part of the reason i've been able to stay standing over the last year+ instead of rocking back and forth on my bed.

my kids are difficult.  we have patterns and behaviors in place that aren't so great.  we have codependencies and unhealthy leaning on one another that i know isn't the best for us.  but we've been through hell.  we've moved twice in the last year.  we gave away our family dog. the man in our house is gone.  we moved from a 4 bedroom 2000+ sq ft home to an 800 sq ft home with only 2 bedrooms.  then- we moved again. living with friends so gracious to us that they are sharing their home with love and grace.  the kids have changed schools.  we've changed churches.  we don't have much income. we got chickens this summer and the neighbor dog thought them tasty treats.  we've struggled.  we've ached. we've yelled, and cursed, and screamed and cried, and rolled around on the floor. and some nights i thought we might not make it.
grief is tiring.  it takes best intentions and wads them up into a wrinkly ball of trash and drops them on the floor. the desire i had yesterday to implement family chores can be decimated today by the sheer weight of the kids emotional neediness.  i'm tired. lonely.  hurting and frustrated.

it hit me a few weeks back that ... there is no rescue.  there is no sound of the cavalry in the distance racing to save me from the stress and struggle.  there are no winning lottery tickets being dropped at my door, no maid to clean the mess and no supernanny here to help me start the boot camp for better  behavior.  it's me. just me.  i don't mean to say that no one helps- that's not true.  we have people who love us and serve us.. but at the end of the day... i am parenting alone.  and that is an overwhelming reality.

i vacillate between believing that we will not only be ok, but be stronger as i lead us all through murky, rapid waters... and then thinking we will all surely drown in the deep with no chance of survival.  it is a bipolar existence precariously balanced between utter fear and soaring hope... and i am learning to breathe as i row the boat and work to keep it from capsizing.

the last couple of days have been really challenging.  we have highs and lows- like anyone i guess.  it feels more intensified in the ever present blanket of grief and pain, but i have hope that we will come through it.

stay with me. i promise i can be funny and witty.  but i'm also honest.  and this evening... this is where my heart is perching.

more than you ever wanted to know.. about ME!

i thought i'd share a little about me!
i don't know about you- but usually when i go to a blog, or when i'm reading a book, i like to scour the 'about me' section.  i like it when there are photos, and i love it when there is more than just a list of "mother, wife, writer, loves coffee'.  i like it when writers add something in the description that tells me a little more about who they are- what they enjoy doing- more than just drinking coffee and reading books.  i already assume that- we're writers.  what would life
 be without the black inkiness of coffee and the sustenance of other people's words?!

like anyone i suppose, there are many layers to me- but i'd love to share just a bit with you.
the obvious is that i'm a mother.  i have four children - my oldest, a son, is 11.  the next in line is also a son and he's almost 8.  third comes the last son, and he is 6.  my baby is a daughter and she is closing in on 5. i've moved out of baby land and into full-on kid world, and parenting life is simultaneously wonderful and the most difficult thing i ever do.  right now, i'm a single mother.  biggest shock of my life.  i've been married for 13 years, still am married, but in october of last year, a day changed my life forever.  due to a series of challenging events, my husband expunged information he had been hiding for our entire relationship.  news that i never dreamed was sitting below the surface.  news that continued to trickle out over the next almost 5 months as i withstood wave after wave of pain and grief.  we aren't living together.  i don't know what the future holds.  many things are unknown right now, but i am here, doing the work, being present.  learning to function in a role i never wanted or expected i'd be filling.  but i'm proud of myself.

my sons seem to have some struggles.  my oldest is diagnosed with asperger's syndrome (on the autism spectrum) as well as adhd.  my middle son looks like he is probably on the spectrum as well- we see a specialist next week- and my youngest son is absolutely adhd.  my daughter?  she's  just sassy and hyper.  i used to be judgemental about families with multiple children struggling with mental/behavioral/emotional difficulties.  i made assumptions about the parents that sting me now.  the reality is, nothing i've done has caused this.  and nothing i do can 'fix' it. my sons are amazing people, and they are also complicated, and challenging.  some days are pure chaos from the overwhelming sensory needs, social misunderstandings, and brain struggles.  i'll talk more on this as time goes by.

my husband was a marine- so for my entire marriage, i was a military wife.  i have friends scattered all over the world, and miss the marine corps with all of my heart.  it's a special family, and after 13 years, i'm sad that we're no longer a part of it. 

by myer's briggs standards, i'm an enfp.  look it up if you don't know what that means- it's good stuff.  basically that means that i think too much, i am sometimes loud, emotional, hyper, not so organized, creative, fun, moody... to list a few. 

i'm 35- and not afraid to admit that.  while it's going entirely too fast, i'm not embarrassed of my age, and not overly afraid of aging.  i'm proud of who i'm becoming- and that has taken time.  prayerfully in 10 more years, i'll be that much further along in my capability to love, and serve, and grow. 

while i'm not big on astrology, i am a gemini- the twins- meaning i have a 'double personality'- and, i have to admit- it fits.  i simultaneously love anne of green gables, and band of brothers.  i love healthy, green, organic food- and junk food too.  i like to read deep, educational books, and adore lots of reality tv. maybe all of that balances me out.  yeah, let's go with that.

i'm honest. i say things that sometimes make people squirm.  i ask hard questions. i love fiercely, have a quick temper (which makes me sad), and am learning how to really cry.  i like makeup and dresses, but love to hike and get dirty.  i can be flaky, but there's nothing i love more than a conversation that dives into the deep- emotionally, theologically, and topically.  i like to be with people, but i also love alone time. 

that's enough for now.  if you stay, you'll learn more.  my heart will begin to fill up the screen again.  i used to blog.  daily.  for about 4 years.  i loved interacting with my readers, and hope that i can build some of that again.  i aim to speak about hard things- my separation, God, parenting, mental illness, but i also hope to share silly things too. write to me- tell me who you are.  i love to meet new people.
much love my fellow storm dwellers!
-H