Letting it Go

Have you seen the movie Frozen? I know you've heard of it, everyone has- it is making a bazillion dollars for Disney these days and is topping the charts.  But, there's a reason... it hits a nerve. It's encouraging and uplifting, and beautiful; and has fantastic music.

I've seen it several times.
Full disclosure- it was online for several days... so I watched it a few times here at home.
If you're feeling judgy- just keep it inside... I don't have the energy to combat that today.

All of my kids love it- even the 12 year old boy!  It's a good movie, and I tear up every time.

There is a song towards the beginning.. sung by the princess become queen who runs away- to protect everyone else from her struggles... her pain... her... 'perceived flaws'.

I can relate. 

The song she sings when she leaves is this:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go.
Can't hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I am free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.
Here I stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway

 Idina Menzel - (Disney's Frozen) Let It Go Lyrics | MetroLyrics 
listen here: (it's beautiful) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk

I am in a place where I'm learning to let it go. To stand in the storm as it rages on.  To turn from my fears and learn to walk forward in spite of them.  

On paper... my life is really scary right now.  My future is completely unknown to me... and my needs are huge.  My heart is scarred and pocked with pain, and my brain scans and moves trying to find a way to fix all that needs fixing.  My situation as a single mother of 4, with no real plan for the future is enough to make others uncomfortable... and so part of my journey is finding space for my heart while not always elbowing out everyone else's story.  Grief can become ingrown and turned completely into oneself, and it's a complicated dance of figuring out who is safe to share with, when I need to hold things close to my heart, and when to ask how I can help others.  Healing and protecting my heart and learning to trust are all tied up messily with learning boundaries and protecting my close friends from burnout as they help me wade through this murky swamp of debris.  

I wish it were as easy as Elsa sings- to just Let it Go... but I'm learning that bits of the struggle flake off at a time. A friend sent me a sweet quote this evening that made me cry- they felt bad for bringing on the tears.. my response caught me off guard but makes perfect sense to me now- I said- 'tears can be good. I think that I have held them back for so long that now that  I am beginning to thaw, it's just all of the melting around my heart making its way out through my eyes.'  

That. That times a million. 

Let it go. ......

you matter

i went to the movies today.  it was a matinee in a small theater here in my small town. i got there a bit early, and was all alone for about 10 minutes while previews played.  then a mother and her teen daughter came in.  they were a bit loud and silly and they sat across the aisle and to my left.  the daughter seemed to be animated, but not overly so.

a few more people came in, found seats, scrolled through their phones,and chatted as they waited for the show to start.  the daughter was a little chatty, but while i thought she was a little loud, i wasn't offended in any way.  as the previews ended and the movie began, the two women who had sat in front of the girl and her mom made a show of getting up and moving- and sat behind me.

they were annoyed with the girl, and were frustrated that she was making noise during the movie.   instead of extending grace, they made it obvious to everyone that they were annoyed.
i was heartbroken.
i had noticed very quickly that the girl was a little different.  if i had to guess, i would place her on the autism spectrum.  her behavior was normal to me as i live with kids who are on the spectrum.  she wasn't overly loud, she wasn't always loud, and i wasn't annoyed with her at all- just aware of her.  i knew that when those women moved, that there must have been a reaction of some sort in the heart of the mother... who was being a great mom by bringing her daughter to the movies to spend time with her.  the girl was excited, and engaged with the story, and while she had to be shushed by her mother several times during the show, she was never offensive, or over the top in any way.  in fact, her innocence and gaiety was pleasing to me.  the entire time i was at the showing, i was distracted because i knew that the mother had noticed the actions of the other women.  i know from experience that my child's behavior in public might not always be "appropriate" and yet, it's also not always "appropriate" for me to share that with strangers surrounding us who are staring and judging.  i've learned after a decade with a special needs child, that ultimately the judgement of strangers matters little in my life story and well being, but sometimes it still stings.
as the movie ended, the girl jumped to her feet and clapped wildly.  she told her mother in a very loud whisper that "you stand and clap when you like the movie!"  i smiled at her excitement.  

i stood up and walked towards the two of them. i looked the mother in the eye and just said- 'you're doing a great job mama.'  i rubbed her arm and turned to walk away.  she had been a bit embarrassed and looked down, but i was thankful for the chance to speak to her, if only for a moment.

the reality is that all of us have struggles. some of us are good at hiding them, and others of us can't hide them. this sweet girl did nothing wrong..... and yet the women in front of her were more concerned with their own comfort than pausing to think that maybe the noise wasn't meant to be offensive.  i was glad i had been there to speak to the mother, not because i am anything wonderful, but because i know from experience how a word of encouragement can spare me from unnecessary pain.  i would encourage you to follow that voice that prompts you to smile at the mom who is pushing the cart with a screaming toddler, or to say hello to the elderly man in line behind you checking out with his sardines and toilet paper.  to bend over to pick up the piece of paper that the lady walking ahead of you dropped, or to make eye contact as you hold open the door for the family behind you.  small moments of connection like this make a world of difference... and as someone who has been scraped raw over the last couple of years, i have to tell you that those moments are healing salve to a tender heart.  you absolutely matter.