I Can't Fight This Feeling Anymore.....

I started a new job yesterday.
I'm so grateful for a good boss, a job I think I am going to love, and the opportunity to be connected to the Marine Corps again.
My office is on base at Quantico for a couple of weeks until we get into our new office space outside of the  front gate. I arrived early yesterday and decided to head to the base Starbucks to use some of my gift card, eat up a few minutes and calm my nerves with the cliche pumpkin spice latte. I had no idea the first day of work would trigger so much emotion that had nothing to do with my job.
 I came through the gate as a civilian- and felt a twinge of sadness as the realization that I was no longer an insider in the Marine Corps washed over me. They don't care that I was connected to the Marines for 17 years; they only see the VA state driver's license, and the empty space on my windshield where a base sticker used to be. I pulled into the parking lot of the Base Exchange and walked into the Starbucks. I stood in line behind Marine wives and men in crisp cammies. I swallowed the lump that was rising in my throat. I tried to avoid looking into the exchange where I had strolled my daughter, bought my makeup and shopped for Christmas presents. I stared at the floor in front of me and tried to slow my breathing. I felt invisible. I felt as though I was on the outside of an elite club looking in. My heart was beating hard and fast, and I wanted to run.
I managed to get my coffee and head back outside. As I walked to my car I was overwhelmed with memories. Across the street was the house my sweet friend lived in. Beyond her house was my old house, the park we played in, and the school my kids attended. Memories assaulted my mind and heart as I tried to keep it together.
I am so proud of my history with the Marine Corps. I have friends scattered all over the world that I was blessed to love because of my time connected to the Marines. I adore their hearts, their sacrifice and their traditions. For the past three years I've grieved the loss of my position as a Marine wife and have tried to ignore the Birthday Ball celebrations, the PCS seasons when families move into the area and out to the select few bases around the world, and I have buried that part of me under the busy task of being a single mother. But yesterday, as I drove back to the base that once held me as a new wife and mother, and then a decade later as a mother of four young children, I was overwhelmed with the grief that I haven't processed. I'm so very grateful to have the privilege of working so close to the few, and the proud, and I am also processing the deep loss of a lifestyle I loved.
I have no doubt that the timing and purpose of this job is for my benefit. I have come so far in my healing and growth that I trust God's intention for me to have to navigate these waters. But I have to admit that watching the young, arrogant, Cammie-clad Marines hustle along the sidewalks, I am forced to deal with another layer of sadness that has been waiting for my attention. I can't wait for the day when the sight of digital green camouflage and an eagle, globe and anchor symbol brings only pride and no longer a piercing of the heart. I'm thankful for the opportunity to get to be close to the group I've revered for so long.