Letting it Go

Have you seen the movie Frozen? I know you've heard of it, everyone has- it is making a bazillion dollars for Disney these days and is topping the charts.  But, there's a reason... it hits a nerve. It's encouraging and uplifting, and beautiful; and has fantastic music.

I've seen it several times.
Full disclosure- it was online for several days... so I watched it a few times here at home.
If you're feeling judgy- just keep it inside... I don't have the energy to combat that today.

All of my kids love it- even the 12 year old boy!  It's a good movie, and I tear up every time.

There is a song towards the beginning.. sung by the princess become queen who runs away- to protect everyone else from her struggles... her pain... her... 'perceived flaws'.

I can relate. 

The song she sings when she leaves is this:

The snow glows white on the mountain tonight,
not a footprint to be seen.
A kingdom of isolation and it looks like I'm the queen.
The wind is howling like this swirling storm inside.
Couldn't keep it in, Heaven knows I tried.
Don't let them in, don't let them see.
Be the good girl you always have to be.
Conceal don't feel, don't let them know.
Well, now they know!

Let it go, let it go.
Can't hold it back anymore.
Let it go, let it go.
Turn away and slam the door.
I don't care what they're going to say.
Let the storm rage on.
The cold never bothered me anyway.

It's funny how some distance,
makes everything seem small.
And the fears that once controlled me, can't get to me at all
It's time to see what I can do,
to test the limits and break through.
No right, no wrong, no rules for me.
I am free!

Let it go, let it go.
I am one with the wind and sky.
Let it go, let it go.
You'll never see me cry.
Here I stand, and here I'll stay.
Let the storm rage on.

My power flurries through the air into the ground.
My soul is spiraling in frozen fractals all around
And one thought crystallizes like an icy blast
I'm never going back; the past is in the past!

Let it go, let it go.
And I'll rise like the break of dawn.
Let it go, let it go
That perfect girl is gone
Here I stand, in the light of day.

Let the storm rage on!
The cold never bothered me anyway

 Idina Menzel - (Disney's Frozen) Let It Go Lyrics | MetroLyrics 
listen here: (it's beautiful) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=moSFlvxnbgk

I am in a place where I'm learning to let it go. To stand in the storm as it rages on.  To turn from my fears and learn to walk forward in spite of them.  

On paper... my life is really scary right now.  My future is completely unknown to me... and my needs are huge.  My heart is scarred and pocked with pain, and my brain scans and moves trying to find a way to fix all that needs fixing.  My situation as a single mother of 4, with no real plan for the future is enough to make others uncomfortable... and so part of my journey is finding space for my heart while not always elbowing out everyone else's story.  Grief can become ingrown and turned completely into oneself, and it's a complicated dance of figuring out who is safe to share with, when I need to hold things close to my heart, and when to ask how I can help others.  Healing and protecting my heart and learning to trust are all tied up messily with learning boundaries and protecting my close friends from burnout as they help me wade through this murky swamp of debris.  

I wish it were as easy as Elsa sings- to just Let it Go... but I'm learning that bits of the struggle flake off at a time. A friend sent me a sweet quote this evening that made me cry- they felt bad for bringing on the tears.. my response caught me off guard but makes perfect sense to me now- I said- 'tears can be good. I think that I have held them back for so long that now that  I am beginning to thaw, it's just all of the melting around my heart making its way out through my eyes.'  

That. That times a million. 

Let it go. ......