Another one of those relational holidays that either illuminate your blessings and celebrate that or poke fingers into your wounds and remind you of what you're 'missing'.
This year, I'm not struggling. In fact, I feel... freedom. I don't have someone to anticipate gifts or romance or something special, and there is some relief there. I won't be let down because there are no expectations. I am set free to instead focus the love on my children.. and dare I say, myself.
So many of us (especially us women) make a big show of announcing how this day means nothing to us, the holiday is silly, and we don't need any of that to know we're loved... and then when he forgets... or fails us in some way... we ache. Our ache might be masked by smiles and brush offs, or we might have an attitude from the anger that is seeping up because he should just know. Or maybe, we pick a fight, and by the end of the day we're left with two hurting hearts and a mess between us.
These holidays are hard. Even if we know, or believe at a cerebral level that nothing about these holidays really proves anything about relationship, it seems to be that they are days set aside to ponder on what might be lacking. On Valentine's day it's a lover, on Mother's Day it's either your own children or your own mother- both can bring hurt. If you've lost your mom, or aren't speaking to her, if you've never had a child and long for one, or if you've lost children... it stings in the worst way. Father's Day can wound too... you may not have the relationship with your Father that you've wanted, or he may have abused you and treated you as something to be thrown away, or you might not even know his name.
These holidays are always set into the calendar at the beginning of each year, and yet unlike some of the other major ones, we always seem to be taken a bit off guard when they arrive. We manage to avoid thinking of those hurt places as much as possible, and when these holidays dawn, it's almost as if a spotlight shows up in our hearts and the slow, steady torture begins.
Our FB feed lights up with smiling faces, and posts from happy-looking couples. Roses appear at our places of work, or balloons,or silly overstuffed bears holding boxes of cheap but over-priced chocolate. We smile at the woman clutching her prize, but we ache. We feel somehow.... forgotten. Unworthy. Unloved. And we might even resent.
Or maybe you do have a lover. A boyfriend, or fiance, or husband. But he's told you he thinks all of this is silly, or a waste of money and 'why should it matter because he shows you every single day that he loves you and doesn't need hallmark to tell him when to buy you a card?!' And you nod, eyes down, swallowing back tears as you try to remember the last time he bought you a card, and start to think that maybe you shouldn't be so sentimental and..well... girly.
While I love love, and still believe in true, unending powerful love that can last a lifetime, I can see how a day like today can bring more hurt than it can beauty. While I love red roses, and yes, chocolate! And fancy dinners out with pretty dresses, shiny shoes and a babysitter home with the kids, I can see that the pressure of the day often leaves us feeling as though we missed out. Even when you get the roses, or the date, or the sweet card..... sometimes you begin to think of how you haven't felt connected to him in a long time, and while the bouquet is beautiful, a part of you wishes he would just look at you- and really see you, and ask you what you're thinking. Facebook is a liar. While there a a bazillion happy couples out there, there are just as many who are smiling on the outside, as they snap pics of their heart shaped pancakes and are dying on the inside, because they don't feel truly seen. They don't feel that the one who served them the breakfast really sees them or hears them, or loves them for the perfectly flawed person that they are.
So today, sweet loves, don't fall prey to Cupid's nemesis who sits with his own set of daggers waiting to stab and tear and wound. If you must protect your heart from FB- then do so. It will be there waiting for you tomorrow. If you feel let down by the one your heart loves, then maybe find a time on another day where you can share that you would like some special attention on Valentine's Day- and it isn't so silly to you. You see, honesty in a relationship is the very best gift you can give to your love. And unknown expectations can slash wounds in your heart faster than any truth can. So share your heart. Don't brush off your needs because someone once told you it's silly to expect to be thought of as special on this day. You are special. You are loved. Don't be afraid to claim that.
Disclaimer:
If you're happy, and feel loved, and content. I'm glad for you. That is a gift. One not afforded to all at all times. So if that is you, and this doesn't apply in any way to the state of your heart, then use your healed up heart eyes to look around you and really see someone else. Someone who might need a squeeze of your hand, a card, one of the roses from your bouquet, a text to say 'I am thinking of you and you are amazing'. Your healed up heart can be used to bring healing to others. So on this Valentine's Day when you're feeling full... let it spill out and heal others. Give the gift of you.
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