My own Amen (which also means... So Be It)

I'm sitting in a place in my life where the only way out will have to be fairly miraculous.  Within the next few months, my living expenses are going to rise considerably, and I will have to find more ways to bring in income.  Just in time for the kids to be home all summer, and me not to have any child care options.  I have to continue to find non-traditional ways to provide for them, and on paper things look anything but attainable.

The truth is, that I don't have all the answers. I haven't fully figured it out and I am not sure what our lives are going to look like over the next months and year.

But I have a deep resounding peace.  I have wondered, at times, if my peace is just an illusion, possible denial, or avoidance, but I really believe in the depths of my being that we are going to be ok.  God has shown in so many ways over the last year and a half that I am not forgotten and that I will be provided for.  Nothing is impossible with Him.

However, I'm also aware that my circumstances are complicated, looming large, and overwhelming.  When others hear what I need to do to take care of my children and how big it is, they often become concerned for us.  I have found myself worrying and being anxious for the benefit of other people.

Have you ever noticed that the work of worry and anxiety can mimic forward motion?  The act of being concerned, and anxious looks like action and involvement.  Conversely, sitting in peace and surrender can look a lot like inaction. avoidance. delusion. laziness. 

I'm having to navigate the path of working hard behind the scenes to set in place the pillars of support that will enable us to live in this area for the next months and years to come.  But doing that without anxiety, and without outward displays of fear can look suspiciously like I am not driven enough, not motivated enough, or not sufficiently afraid.  Somehow, my fear and worry comforts others who are worried for me. It's as though my concern lets them know that I have not forgotten how big this is and that I am scared enough to admit it is beyond me.

I don't know what our future will hold. I have no idea how this will all fall into place to take care of our needs and work into the structure of my big family; but I do have an undergirding of peace. Of just knowing that we will come out on the other side.  It might be messy.  I'm quite sure that it will look completely different than it looks for other families, but I believe that it will also be beautiful, and miraculous, and hard, and good.

I'm choosing to follow advice given by Glennon Melton from Momastery that I heard this last weekend at the Womankind conference- to just Let.It.Be.  To stop trying to make my circumstance be anything other than what it is.  To allow the path designed for us to unfold ahead of us, and though I can only see a few feet ahead, I will trust that the path won't suddenly disappear, but will rather continue to be formed ahead of me leading me into the life meant for my family.  I am ready to walk it. To turn from worry and anxiety that I have coddled for the comfort of other people and rather move inside of the gift of peace.  To work, and pray, and rest, and just Let It Be.