thank you

i could never have imagined that by simply stepping back into the sunlight with my voice trembling and heart open that i would receive the outpouring of love and grace that i have been given.  thank you. for that healing love.

the difficult thing with a marriage failing is that no one knows what to do, or what to say, and so a place that already feels painful and suffocating and surreal and lonely can become even more desolate as you watch well meaning church friends or work friends and fringe people in your life begin to back away.  grief makes people squirm, and most people shy away from the opportunity to hurt.

i remember when i was a young teenager and my family started going to a new church. there was a mother there whose two year old son had recently drowned.  while she felt loved by her friends, family and church, she had a conversation with my mom a few months into our time there. her words have haunted me as i've begun my own grief journey.  she said 'people don't know what to do with me.  they have stopped coming around, or talking about him. they pull their children close, almost as if they think it is contagious'.  i have felt that ache.  watching as many discover that my 'beautiful, strong marriage' failed from many hidden sins i never knew existed.  they began to look at their own husbands or wives with a measure of fear, worry, and slightly-raised suspicion. they began to rationalize that 'if it could happen to them... it could happen to me'...... logically- i get that.  when a child dies, or a seemingly strong marriage collapses... our brains race and flip and stretch and scan, trying to make sense of it all. we desperately want to make sense of it all, and when no sense can be found (as it never can be in the presence of early death or betrayal) a part of us wants to run. to protect the safe space we've created in our hearts, homes, souls, and minds that doesn't allow for that kind of event.  being in the presence of a real person who is walking that road can be painful as we get to see first hand the devastation of grief written on their faces, and the faces of their children.  it's hard to look into the depth of that pain in others.
but when that happens.  when people leave.  a beautiful thing happens too.  those sweet few.  those precious souls who love your soul for exactly what it is, where it is, whenever it is... they stay. they weep.  the don't sling worthless, painful words against your spouse as you navigate the tearing apart of hearts and lives.  they listen. they give copious amounts of grace and love.  not expecting much in return- which is a relief because grief is consuming, and self indulgent, and inwardly focused.  but there they are.  aching, and fearing and crying and grieving right along with you.  and they get the amazing experience of watching you begin to learn you again. begin to see miracles happen even in the face of overwhelming odds.  the reality is, that where hope is, miracles can be found in the darkness... and for me, some of the most amazing things have happened through this last year.  indescribable.  grace in a way that makes me weep with the weight of my unworthiness. and yet. there they are.  those precious souls. and there he is, precious God. and somehow, in the dark, and ooze, and ugly, i am just beginning to get a glimpse that there really can be beauty out of ashes.

Here

i have been stuck. i'm tired of being stuck.  i still write.  often.  because that is what writers do. we write.  we have to. we can't not.
but i don't write here.  and i've been so frustrated with myself for not showing up here, because here is where i get to connect with you, and here is where i want to be.
it hit me tonight.
i haven't been here, because i'm not being authentic.  i have been writing on paper where it is safe, and where nothing has to be shared or explained, i can just be heather. broken. motivated. shattered. hopeful. but here?  i have to pretend. protect. evade. and i just don't have the energy for that anymore.

so.

i'm taking care of business today. i'm punching fear in the face so that i can drag my weary soul out of stuck and bring it here. where i can share. be heather. broken. motivated. shattered. hopeful.

i have a secret.
i didn't mean for it to be a secret.  it sort of became one because life is messy and painful and jagged, and slippery, and when do you ever think that you will wind up here? and when you wind up here, how do you tell people you are here?  so.  here is my secret.

i have been separated from my husband for more than a year.

i said it.
it's out now.  i'm not taking it back.

how do you share that?  there are no announcements from shutterfly to say that 'we're separated!' there are no delicate and non dramatic ways to post it on facebook.  and so... those who are in my regular life know, some on the fringes know, and some will be shocked.  but this is my reality.  i am a single mother, this year has been hell on earth, and i don't see any sign of relief.
i have struggled with writing here, and have allowed the cotton mouthed feeling of fear to stop my waterfall of words with its soul sucking power.  i have been afraid to wound my children should they ever read my writing in the future.  i'm afraid for people to pity me. i'm afraid to hurt him, even though so many hurtful things have been done to us.  i'm a dramatic person, but i don't like drama.  i won't go on facebook and share the hurts of my heart at his hand because it does nothing but make me look small and create drama.  i have to admit that there is a small part of me that would like to tell you some of what has happened, to hopefully 'get you on my side' and hope that maybe you will judge me a bit less, and maybe feel more gracious towards me- but really? that shouldn't matter.  i should be able to show up and say that i am not with my husband, i have been deeply wounded, i am afraid, i am parenting 4 children alone, this is really hard...... and find space for my heart to rest.  even without all of the painful, ugly, rancid details.

so.  my secret is exposed.  i feel freedom to write again.  because now you can relate to me where i am.. and i won't have to bend and maneuver my words to protect the secret any longer.  it can float free and my words can swim effortlessly around the truth.  bringing relief to my heart.  clarity to my mind. and maybe even some healing to you.
i am overjoyed at the thought of being here again and writing from my raw heart.  i have so very much to share.  hard things.  amazing things you can't even fathom.  things of God's goodness that seem only to show up when the depth of the pit is so deep that only the hand of God can pull you out.  thank you for indulging me.  thank you for staying in my silence.  even over years.  this blog that has long sat dead, waiting for me to take back life again will change and grow over the next weeks and months.  for now- this is the start.
i'm back. here.

Naked Soul

I have always had good friends.  Like, good friends.  Friends who jump into the mess with me and help me keep my head above the water as it rises.

Yesterday my long time BFF came to visit.  I showed her around the new place and we settled into the worn couches for some girl talk.  She's a born counselor, and I feel badly at times, because it's so easy to share my heart with her... and really let go.  She shares too, and gets vulnerable and deep right along with me, but she has a way of making space for my real soul to show up and get naked.
This has been a hard year. I've been separated for almost a year now, and while some things have gotten easier, some things have gotten harder, and in many ways, some of the grief is just now settling into my weary, fleshy, mashed-up heart.  She made space for me to talk through some of my frustration, and held my eyes and heart with her grace while words poured out like blood from a gash.  She let my ugly moments sit in the sacredness of her attention, and she allowed it to rest.  I heard myself.  Do you have friends like that? When you actually hear your own heart mirrored back to you and those amazing clarity filled moments crack into your headspace like a shooting star on a crisp night? That was one of those moments.  I felt the weight of the recognition of decades of pain shoot into the center of my heart where I could see it, feel it, acknowledge it and give it the attention it needed.  I saw her eyes alight to the realization that this was happening and she talked me through it as I dug out what needed to be said.  It was powerful, grace-filled, and sacred.  I dropped barrels full of emotional baggage in that room as we sifted through shards of pain and recognition that I had never seen before. As we unpacked it together... I saw myself more clearly... she was handing me my truest self as a gift- urging me to love me, and be tender with me, and protect me.

I've had the blessing of having had several of these friends through my life.  Some are no longer active in my life, some are related to me by blood or marriage, some I rarely see but talk to often, and others have sporadic connection in the day to day circumstance. But... I have those who are willing to give grace to my heart, my work, my efforts at growing.  I have no idea where I would be without them. They sing me the anthem of my heart when I lose my way.... they champion my effort forward into healing and destiny, and they give grace in heaping doses. I pray you have someone like this in your life.. but if you don't.. that you would think about how to be vulnerable with the right person, or pray for that friend.. or begin to be that friend.  My friends are truly my on-earth saving grace... and I am rich with their love.

New Start

I'm stepping into a new venture today.  I have a life coach.  The way it's come about is pretty amazing, but the end result is that I'm getting time and energy from someone... for no cost.  I'm so humbled and blessed that she chose me.  I have several dreams and ideas that I'd like to see come to fruition, and I could use the help in keeping me focused and aware of what needs to be done.

I struggle with focus.  I tend to be a dreamer... and while I'm not lazy, I do have a hard time getting things pushed through all the way to the end.  I get caught up in the details, or overwhelmed, or distracted, and my best intentions wither and crumple and fall to the ground into the pile of other well meaning ideas.  I'm hopeful that with her accountability and structure, that I can get past the hump of fear and boredom and move into that place where I begin to see fruit come from the things I desire to do.  I want my life to matter.  And I need to provide. To me, those things can coincide.. and I want to make the effort to have that happen.

She had me start with the Myer's Brigg's personality indicator. I've done it multiple times before and have always typed out as an ENFP.  I was curious to see if that would stay true in light of the stress I've been under for so long, or if anything would change.  I wound up still being an ENFP.
If you've never heard of Myer's Brigg's, I would highly encourage you to take the indicator.  It can be found here: http://www.humanmetrics.com  It's an amazing tool to begin to understand yourself more, and why and how you do the things that you do.

In a nutshell ENFP's are:

ENFPs are both "idea"-people and "people"-people, who see everyone and everything as part of a cosmic whole. They want to both help and to be liked and admired by other people, on both an individual and a humanitarian level. This is rarely a problem for the ENFP, as they are outgoing and warm, and genuinely like people. Some ENFPs have a great deal of zany charm, which can ingratiate them to more stodgy types in spite of their unconventionality.  (Typelogic.com)

I'm interested to see where this goes.  I hope the time spent with her will translate itself into movement forward here in my day to day life.  I'll let you know. 

bigger than me

I'm in a place where i need God to be big.  bigger than I've ever seen Him.  i need to be able to provide for my family over the next year (and beyond) in ways i never dreamed I'd be providing.

I have always been an anxious person.  Worry was a way of life for me. I spent a huge part of my life projecting into the future and planning out each road that life may possibly take.  Now, I am in a season where there isn't much I have control over.  I am being forced to live each day as it comes, and enjoy that day for what it is.
I am blessed to be living in a place now where my living costs are down. But, by next spring (summer at the latest) my expenses will go up quite drastically, and I have to figure out how to pay the bills.
The incredible thing is that I can see the thread of His provision throughout my entire life.. and over this last year He has come on strong in such incredible ways that I can't doubt his care for me.  I know without a doubt that He has made a way for me through this year. I've kept a notebook of the amazing ways He has provided, and they knock my socks off.  One day, I'll share some of them here...
the incredible thing is that because I have seen Him make a way so practically and perfectly over this last year, my anxiety is almost nonexistent.  On paper, I know I should be terrified, but deep in the dark places of my soul where fear and doubt try to dwell, I have solid peace. Knowing that though this is bigger than me, it will be ok. I remember telling Him in prayer one evening when I didn't know where I would be living and needed to find a place quickly, that because things were so desperate, I knew without a doubt that the way out would have to be through Him.  He didn't disappoint.  He created a scenario for me and my kids that has been better than I could have manufactured on my own.  I'm blown away by the way He has cared for the details, and am overwhelmed with the knowledge that this newest need is not lost on Him.  I can't wait to see where it leads, and I know again, that however I get out of this will be clearly an act of God.  We'll watch and see.

why we write

We write to normalize ourselves.  To hold up the fabric of our lives to others to see if we're normal, okay, or good enough.  We long for that acceptance. To be assured that we are enough.  We need that understanding, or that nod to our suffering.  We are desperate to know that there is more to come, fuller experience, greater love. Writing allows us to put it out there-to lay bare that which often needs to be said, and yet can't stand under the sound of the voice.  It sits, stays, gives us the chance to look again; absorb, and understand more deeply than we can through words just spoken into silence.

When I write, there is a flow of emotion and thought that doesn't usually get hammered out properly in my head.  There is some obstacle in thought alone, and the discipline of writing allows the thought process to work its way out straight, giving me a glimpse at where i am emotionally and spiritually.  I learn about myself. i see things more clearly and am often surprised at what i discover.

I have so many posts waiting to be finished.. things i want to say.. but i'm not sure i'm ready yet.  so they wait.  and my blog sits silent.  the reality is that i'm NOT being silent... behind closed doors.  so today?  i just want to be able to lay my head on my pillow and know that i posted something for the public.  it's not life changing, or witty, or even something that pulls at your heart.  but i'm here. writing. working up the courage to live a more public life once again... letting you in in ways that might challenge you in your own struggles.  please come back.  i will be here.  i have so very much to say.